A new mindset

As of this morning, I've lost ten pounds, or looked at another way, have only put back on 23. (A pessimistic view, but one I felt I needed to represent).

The big difference this time, though, is that I'm whole-heartedly into this. I'm not afraid, I'm not of two minds, I'm here. It's a marvel to me that I lost any weight at all two years ago, what with all the doubt.

Another big difference this time is that I have my eyes firmly on the prize. WW tells you to break it down, into small increments, but I need to keep the long view. I need to think about, if it feels this good at 238 (and I have to say, even though it's probably obese by any normal person's standard, it feels good to even be in the 230's. How telling is that?) how truly wonderful will it be at 145? I intend to get there this time. I intend to reach it. I don't have a we'll see, or I have a long way to go mindset this time, I believe.

Of course, I'll need to look back on this when I've hit a plateau, when I've lost a point or two and there's not so much wiggle room any more, when it feels like I haven't had an uncounted or unconsidered bite in months.

But honestly, except for the wedding, and Easter, I have nothing big on my horizon for months. I can go on like this for a long time, I think. It helps that I get to eat real food, it helps that I can have the occasional Quarterpounder and egg and bacon breakfast. That helps. But what helps more is the knowledge, won over these last two years, that weight is just weight. It didn't affect how much people loved me or didn't love me--passion and uproar and indifference continued on their usual courses, whether I was at 250 or 215, I was just wearing different clothes for all of it. It made my joints hurt and my feet ache, but it didn't alter heartache or joy one iota. I was me, no matter what. And that's what scared me so bad the last time, that some weird thing was going to happen to me, that those who matter to me were going to love me more thin, and thus prove that I was worth less heavier, or that they were shallow sons of bitches anyway, and I was wrong to care about them. None of that happened, none, none, none.

So, she said, shrugging, it's okay. Weight has been stripped of, well, its weight. Its freight. Its baggage. It's all about how I feel this time, with how I look thrown in, but only the positive side of that. It's whee! I get to wear cool clothes, not, oh my God, here I am in a short skirt, men are looking at me, what the hell is wrong with them?

So here I go. Ten pounds down, 93 to go.